I got a feeling 2012 is gonna be a good year…
When 2011 started I was working as an office assistant making more money than I ever have. I was financially secure. I paid all my bills on time and still had enough to maintain a savings account. I was living in a beautiful apartment, ate three square meals a day and working out regularly. Physically, I looked good and felt good. Financially I was stable. Dramaturgically, I was starving. The only connection I had to the theatre world was writing for this blog site, reading reviews of shows I didn’t have time to see, and chatting with my theatre peeps about shows they were working on. The winter was brutal, but anyone who has ever met me knows that I live for the summer. Once that summer heat hits me, it’s on!
Though I was making tons of money, the job I was working at was slowly killing me. The people I worked with were miserable cubicle jockeys who got off on demeaning everyone around them. My boss only ever smiled after she had made someone cry. I would leave there with a feeling equivalent only to what I assume a prostitute feels after she has just been used and had cash thrown at her beaten body. I was determined to free myself of that place by the time summer arrived; and sure enough, come June I had given my notice. At that moment I promised myself that I would never do anything that made me feel like less than I was just because it paid me to. So I searched for work. I sought out writers who I knew could use some help, and offered my services for a reasonable fee as a script editor/consultant. I scoured the social media sites for anything and anyone would listen. I created a twitter account and began following any profile that had anything to do with theatre, dramaturgy, writing, etc. It was a great idea, totally inspired by one of my dearest friends (The Redheaded Actress). After endless harassments I connected with my old High School Drama teacher. She wanted to meet with me to talk about her future projects! Victory! I had broken the wall of rejections to see the shining light of my future. She invited me to be the Dramaturg on her extra curricular shows with the students and she actually wanted to pay me! It wasn’t much but it wasn’t nothing. Any of you who have read my past blog posts know my stipulations about working with students; but at this stage of the game, I jumped at the chance and began the work immediately.
Though it felt rewarding it wasn’t bringing in very much and the pressure to sustain my lifestyle was increasing. Everything and everyone in my immediate reality was consistently reminding me of my responsibilities. My support system was crumbling almost as fast as my funds were dwindling. Finally, when I ran out of money, I ran out of patience. I could no longer take the snide comments and disappointed looks. My life was and is my life; no one else’s. So I embarked on the greatest challenge I have ever had to face… Being completely on my own with nothing but my passion for theatre and overwhelming drive to pursue it. I took a leap of faith and threw myself at the world.
It’s been hard, but through all the struggles I have discovered an inner strength in myself that I never knew existed. Yes, I don’t have all the luxuries of life I once did, but I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I have a confidence in myself that I was convinced was lost forever. To be honest, I’ve never been prouder of myself. I have learned that no one knows what is good for you, except you. Yes, your friends and family will worry and try to give you advice on what they think is best for you; but when all of them have gone home to their own lives, you are the only one who has to face yours. Face it with a smile and a sense of pride.
As this year comes to a close, I feel a great sense of hope for the future. New Year’s has always been my favorite holiday. It is a chance to make a fresh start; a new beginning. My only wish is to continue pursuing happiness in every way I can. It is my right and I intend to treat it as such. I have no way of knowing for sure if 2012 will be “my year” but what I do know: after all I’ve been through this year; whatever it brings, I’ll be ready for it.